Son, She's Gone

So I have been thinking a lot about my Mom lately and just how much I love her. I guess this is something I don't talk about a lot. I mean, it doesn't bother me to talk about it you know, I don't get all teary-eyed or weird about it. In fact, I enjoy talking about it because then I open myself up to others in a way that I previously knew not how. I don't tell you this for any sort of pity or for your condolences. I tell you this to praise the woman who I was able to spend 23 of the best years of my life with.

Most of you know the basics of my Mom's death. For those of you that don't, here you go. Candice P. Crouch was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma in Dec 2004/Jan 2005 and passed away in July 2005.

This whole ordeal started back about 10 years or so. As she fought through various pains, no one could diagnose her condition. This went on for several years with good days and bad days. In Dec 2004 she suffered from a seizure that caused a minor blip in her heart as well, so she was hospitalized. After her release, she had another seizure causing even greater damage to her heart . During this time the doctors noticed a tumor that had developed on her kidney. The heart issue cleared up and the kidney was removed, but my Mother would never be the same. The cancer did irreparable damage, causing her to function with the mentality of a small child. 7 long months later she passed away quietly with my Father by her side.

As one can only imagine, things became very complicated, very quickly. We have the ability to control almost every aspect of our life - our career, what we eat, the music we listen to, the people we choose to call friends, etc..... It is not often, almost never in fact, that we are faced with a situation in which we do not have some sort of control. But this is exactly where I found myself. There is absolutely nothing I could have done that would have saved my Mother's life and that's the hardest part, coming to grips with the fact that I had no form of control in the situation. The following period of time proved to be difficult in many arena's of life.

Three years and two months later, I find myself in a much different state. I have learned that, and this is as eloquent as I can put it, shit happens. I have come to terms with the fact that she has passed and that I don't know why. I don't think I'll ever understand why this happened, but I am learning each day how to integrate this experience into my life for the better. I still struggle with a lot of things surrounding her death, but this I do know: regardless of my beliefs, actions and status in life I will see her again.

I wrote a song in tribute to my Mom and if you're lucky enough you may just get to hear it one day. Until then, I'm playing this one close to my chest.